How often do you get angry? I mean really angry. Angry enough to want to literally tear someone’s head off. Angry enough to land yourself in court and end up with a criminal conviction were you to follow it through. And why? Road rage? The neighbours? Work colleagues? Your football team?
From time to time we all get angry. Some people handle their anger better than others. Sometimes it’s a matter of retaining control. But once that red mist descends it’s nigh on impossible to do so.
I have a bad temper. Perhaps it’s my French/Turkish heritage or something in my upbringing – I don’t know. What I do know is that when my temper flares up it has the potential to be very destructive. There was the time I chased a car round a car park and confronted the driver because he gave me a two-fingered salute. On another occasion when I was badly cut up at a junction, I accelerated in front of the car, slammed on the brakes and squared up to the driver. On both occasions I had my wife in the car – what the hell was I thinking of?
Perhaps that’s the point. I wasn’t thinking, I was simply reacting in a way I’d almost been conditioned to. Once you get into that state, the only thing that prevents you from following your actions through to their logical conclusion is luck. The luck that you haven’t actually hit someone. The luck that they haven’t hit you or worse. The luck that no-one has called the police. But sooner or later you run out of luck – just ask one of the many thousands in prison for assault, ABH, GBH, manslaughter or murder.
Some years ago it hit me that if I could see 10 seconds into the future, I wouldn’t react the way I do. Why? Because if I react to a situation and 10 seconds later I’m in real trouble, my initial actions are wrong. And if I don’t react to a situation and 10 seconds later nothing adverse has happened, my actions are correct. Either way, I gain by not reacting to a situation.
Just to clarify, I’m not suggesting that you should count to ten given a possibly confrontational situation. That’s not the idea. What I am advocating is that given the choice between reacting to a situation or not, generally don’t react.
Could the alternative be true? If I follow this ten second rule will there be times when I need to react and don’t? Possibly. Will there be times when I react and would be correct to do so? Possibly. We have to accept that there are always exceptions to rules. But that’s the point: they’re the exceptions. Most of the time we follow the rules and find the exceptions by experience.
Sometimes we have to follow our gut reactions. There will be a minority of times when you have to react – and quickly. Say you see a young child about to walk into a road. If you could see ten seconds into the future, that child may be fine. There may have been no car at that moment or a parent may have grabbed them but you can’t be sure. So you don’t think, you just react. In a situation like this there isn’t a choice. But situations such as these are rare.
Think about the times you’ve been in a heated conversation and made a hurtful comment. That hurt never goes away. The person receiving it may forgive you but they will never forget what you said. They can’t. It’s just not possible. So why did you say it? To have your moment? To score points? Look ahead ten seconds. If you hadn’t made the comment, what would have happened? Nothing. No pain given, no regret incurred.
I’d like to say that I follow this rule religiously but I’d be lying. I don’t. Some people count to three before saying or doing something they feel they may regret; others bite their tongue – literally in some cases. I’ve never done either and I need to change.
An old friend of mine, Bernie, commented on my Living and learning blog: Vic I have known you for many many years and yes sometimes you ‘tread heavily’ but you always ‘speak the truth’. I know that Bernie meant that as a compliment but it set me to thinking: how many people have I hurt with ‘the truth’? And was it the truth or the truth as I see it which may well have been wrong. I need to apply my ten second rule to some of my comments, something I’ve started to do.
I spent 10 years in commercial publishing, one of the most cut-throat businesses on the planet. It fuelled my belief that the ends always justify the means, that it doesn’t matter who gets hurt as long as the bottom line doesn’t. It was an industry that fitted me like a glove. Ten years at Jewish Care changed much of this, making me a more thoughtful person who started to understand the value of good leadership and team ethic. Without those daily constraints I need to make sure I don’t fall back into the old habits. I need to follow my ten second rule.